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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
