I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
oh god the rape fog is back!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
