dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
