I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
