somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
