you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
