The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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