Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
