I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Green mimosas i think yes
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
