I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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