that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
