Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the condom got lost in my hair
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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