it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
