No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
