Sober January is a disaster.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
