Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
