i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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