So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
