Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i will never coherently bang her
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
