I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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