Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
