in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
