I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
