Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
