Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
