dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish I only lived at night.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
