i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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