i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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