apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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