i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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