Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
