If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
