you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
