She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
