Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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