3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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