I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
