You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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