I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
