no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
