Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
