Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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