last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
