Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
