I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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