My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
