I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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