Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
