you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
