apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
