glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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