After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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