420 ftw
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
