I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
