I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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