Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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